Posted in Lifestyle

2017’s First Ramble

Hello once again! And welcome back to my ramblings. I will be 100% honest and say that this post was written the night before my last Christmas exam, when I was trying to think back on 2016. Now, I know I wrote up a post during Blogmas – does it count as Blogmas if it was after Christmas? Anyway, I’m getting distracted again – reflecting on all the happenings of 2016. It was fun to write up and remember all the exciting things I got up to. However, this one is more about what I felt and thought throughout the year, a more personal one if I may. In fact, it came about as I sat in my room, eating a Chinese takeaway that probably would’ve fed 2 or 3 people, binge watching Netflix, and looking at myself in the mirror. Now before you think me vain, I should probably point out that my mirror sits behind the laptop, and I was feeling much too lazy to move it so as not to see my spotty face framed by my half wavy hair. And please don’t get me started on my hair drying naturally – it always just looks weird.

 

Once again, I’m getting away from the actual point of this post, however it’s that mirror that got me thinking. I promised myself in January 2016 that I would start to accept myself. I reiterated this promise in August when I was in Glasgow for my resits. Once more, September came and with it was a promise to work on being “me” and accepting myself, as well as properly putting effort into things I enjoyed. So you would think that on December 12th 2016, I would’ve reached a place where I was happy with myself. And yet, as I looked at the empty plate and cutlery needing moved to the kitchen, and as I listened to Claire Fay portraying Elizabeth II, I wasn’t actually happy in myself. And yet I didn’t know why.

 

To be honest, the more I thought about it, the more I realised that these things brought only a few minutes of happiness, followed by a long time of regret and disappointment in myself. If I could put into words how I felt then I would, but even now I can’t quite word it right. I think the only way to describe it would be to say I felt empty. Not happy, but not sad. I wasn’t nervous about the exam – even thinking about that, I had no overwhelming feelings. And that in itself got me thinking and writing.

 

I’ve admitted to both myself and to you all that really I don’t think this was the right course for me to take in life, however I also want to try my hardest to achieve what the voices in my head are telling me I will never manage – to get through this degree and come out of it ready to move onto the next step, becoming a teacher. It’s what I’ve always wanted. And yet, even the thought of that didn’t make me feel anything. Strange isn’t it? How we can just have those moments.

 

During this time, however, I started wondering what would make me happy. What could I do to begin to feel good in my own skin? Feel I belonged, or was needed, or just generally like I deserved to be where I was. Because to be honest, a lot of the time I don’t feel I deserve it. I have an amazing group of friends, and I don’t tell them that enough. In fact, I rarely ever tell them that. Would that make me happier?

 

I began to consider physical changes. We’ve all been told over and over again that we should love ourselves for who we are. But what if the person you currently are doesn’t feel like someone who deserves your love? It’s confusing, isn’t it. I asked myself would I be happier if I lost weight. Not for appearance’s sake, I knew that much. Not for my mum or family members who ask at least once a week if I’ve lost any weight, that just made me refuse to do it at all. But from a health point of view. I know exercise plays a large part in it all, but looking at the amount of food I had just consumed filled me with a lot of regret. It got me thinking. How can I change my habits? What can I do to improve my quality of life? A more recent study has shown that on average we take 66 days to form new habits. It’s a long time, but over the next few months I intend on breaking old habits and forming new ones. I often find it difficult to start these things while at home, so I couldn’t exactly start on January 1st the way I wanted to. But I’m hoping to keep you updated as time goes on.

I look in the mirror, and I don’t like what I see looking back. However I can change this. Physically, I can change, and mentally I can learn to love myself. By putting this out here for you all to read, I’m hoping to encourage myself to stick at it. So it may seem boring but I want to describe it here.

 

I want to start eating properly. I am going to work my days around cooking them, because I actually really enjoy cooking. I just don’t enjoy eating what I cook. So I’m going to create a meal plan and stick to it. Stop the snacks and fizzy drinks and set a proper food budget to stick to. Enough is enough. I say this every year but I mean it this year. I’m 21, it’s about time I started looking after my health properly.

 

At the same time, I want to find an exercise regime I enjoy. Watching Zoe’s progress for the last few months has really inspired me to start exercising properly. I love keeping up with how she’s doing, and she really is an inspiration to me. I have a holiday in March, and hopefully a summer holiday somewhere at some point, and I want to be able to look at myself before we go away and say ‘Katie, it’s time you buy some new clothes in a smaller size’.

 

I want a routine. Not to simply get through each day, but to actually properly live my life. Factoring in exercise, cooking, university stuff, socialising, and hopefully a job, I want to figure it all out. It’s when I’m bored and alone in the flat that I reach these moments of questioning where my life is going.

 

 

My first thoughts daily shouldn’t be questioning whether I need to get up or whether or not I’ll wear my jeans for the 5th day in a row, rather I want to wake up feeling energised and excited to dress properly for the day ahead. Second year university saw me ban myself from wearing tracksuit bottoms to lectures, and it actually made a bit of a difference! I continued that at the start of this year, and dressing like you’re doing something that day automatically makes you feel more productive.

 

I’m going to stop washing my hair every day. I know it’s bad for it, and trust me when I say I am working on it, however I probably need at least three weeks to correct my hair’s need to be washed daily. So if my friends don’t mind, there will be a week in which I don’t wash it, and then from then I will figure out a routine.

 

But that’s enough rambling to you for now. I think I’m going to create a page on here specifically for keeping up to date with how all this is going. But for now, it’s merely a plan. Let’s see if I can stick to it, shall we?

 

A rather tired and fed up Ktkinnes xx

Posted in 30 Days of Gratitude Challenge, Lifestyle

Day 22 – Challenges

Helloooo my lovely friends! Okay so you may be forgiven for forgetting I was participating in the 30 Days of Gratitude Blogging Challenge, especially considering I basically skipped 10 days worth of them… But have no fear! I shall post a brief one for each of these throughout the day – I’m actually going to write them the minute I finish this post.

 

So, as you can see, today’s theme is Challenges with the subtitle of What is your greatest challenge in life and how do you plan to overcome it? Haha well let’s just put out there that I picked a hard one to come back in on!

22.challenge

Before I could even begin to write this post, I asked myself ‘What constitutes as a challenge?’. The Cambridge Online Dictionary defines it as “(the situation of being faced with) something that needs great mental or physical effort in order to be done successfully and therefore tests a person’s ability.”  To me, personally, a challenge is something that prevents you or makes it more difficult for you to achieve the goals you set for yourself. If this is the case, then I had a lot more to think about!

 

I had to ask myself – what do I consider a challenge in my life? Blogging daily? We all know how well that’s been going – not. Going to university and getting a degree? We’re working on that one, patience young grasshopper. My relationship with my family? Ha, don’t get me started. Wow, there were a lot I could think of! However, I realised that none of these are really a proper challenge – more things that my self-doubt hinders or affects. That’s when it hit me. My greatest challenge, at this point in my life anyway, is my self confidence.

 

 

When conversing with the lovely ladies at GRLPOWR, and all the other amazing people involved in their chat on Sunday 18th September based on Confidence, there came a question – ‘How far would you go to gain confidence? (Surgery, buy things, etc)’. While replying truthfully, I stated that I constantly spend money on makeup and clothes to try and look better and more confident. I admitted that I considered either laser skin treatment for my acne scarring or laser hair removal, and I had also looked into laser eye surgery – all in the hope of becoming ‘prettier’ according to societies rules. I heavily rely on the things I buy and how I look to try and get people to like me – as someone once said to me, all I talk about is TV and I’m incredibly boring because of it. Well since then I’ve started talking a lot more about blogging too so I guess I’m just a nightmare to be around.

 

Woah, sorry, this was meant to be a post about overcoming challenges – not focusing on what the challenge is or how I feel about it! But that last paragraph was to give you a basic insight into my mind. I hate being left out of things, even if it’s nothing important. There’s always a constant worry in the back of my mind that no one likes me and they all just put up with me because I’ve attached myself to them. I know that it’s not true (hopefully) but it’s there and it’s because of my low self confidence.

 

It’s not something I can just get over. It’s not a quality I like about myself, ha the irony of having low self confidence because of problems caused by low self confidence, but it’s one I can work on. Back in August, I wrote about my promise to myself. I’ve recently started doing things because they make me happy and I want to do them. I’m getting more involved in extracurricular things at uni because, as Nuala said earlier, there are so many opportunities while at uni that disappear the minute we leave this place!

 

Planning to overcome low self confidence isn’t really effective in my opinion, simply because it takes a lot longer to change a thought or opinion than it does to change or fix a physical problem. Yes, there are ways to physically change to increase self confidence, but why should I have to change to feel better about myself? So yes, we’re working on that.

 

By the way, I don’t know if any of you have realised but I often refer to myself as ‘we’ – please ignore this, I am a me.

 

 

Thanks for reading!

Ktkinnes xxx

Posted in Lifestyle

Hair

  
Here you have a picture of me on a day when I loved my hair. The red was shining through and I’d just bought a purple lipstick, just a shame it hadn’t come out purple! 

The reason I decided to use this picture tonight was because yesterday I had a mini rant about things I don’t like. In that rant I mentioned briefly that I didn’t like my body and I didn’t like me in general. While that’s how I feel probably 95% of the time, I wanted to share with you a time when I actually liked myself. 

The day that photo was taken (8th January 2016) was one of the few days this year I have felt confident in the way I look. Think all we did was go visit my granny. But for once I was happy in myself – something I hope to feel slightly more frequently soon. 

I’m planning on dying my hair again, back to the red it is in the above photo (as opposed to today’s colour shown below) but I’m waiting just to check timings with my lovely hair colourer – Nuala. Or I may even give it a go myself! Probably next week… 

  
Having rid myself of all snacks, I’m going back to my aim of only snacking on movie nights and at no other time. I’m also trying to drink more water. Who knows, I could even look semi reasonable by the time it’s summer!

But now I am away to read a new book – Carol by Patricua Highsmith. Goodnight everyone!
Ktkinnes xx

  

Posted in Lifestyle

What can we learn?

Well another day over and another day closer to going on holiday! Can’t wait! Finished packing today only to find I’m over the baggage limit so at least I know there’s one thing I need to do in the morning. That pretty much took up most of my day really so at 4 I settled down to watch an episode of Orange is the New Black – season 1 episode 9 to be exact. Still only half way through it but what struck me in the first half hour was when we saw young Alex being bullied by the girls in school for what she’s wearing.

Everyone sees bullying on TV and it’s always portrayed the same way – the popular rich kids picking on someone less fortunate and always in a group. Bullying is something we’re constantly warned about all the way through our school career and it’s always very clear how to deal with it. But what about when you leave school? Does the bullying end there? Unfortunately not. People will always try and make you feel inferior, no matter what age you are or where you’re based. Almost half of all children and young people (46%) say that they’ve been bullied at some point during their time at school, according to the Tellus4 National Report (PDF, 1.33Mb), carried out in 2009. Reading through http://www.bullyonline.org I began to realise how uncommon it is for adults to talk about their experiences. Do we just assume we deserve the treatment?

Having always been big for my age, I did experience a bit of bullying but the worst of it came when I was 16 and had my first boyfriend – haha that’s an experience for another time! My friends all turned their backs on me and one, she thinks I don’t know it was her but it so obviously was, started to spread malicious rumours about me to the point where I started to consider not going back to school. I can’t fully remember how it ended but the main thing was my best friend came back to me and been closer ever since.

Looking back on it now, I suppose you could argue that anything now a days is counted as bullying – going by the definition given on most websites I’ve been bullied by my own mother for years. She has made me feel inferior, always commenting about my weight and making me feel bad about myself. For years I took it and cried myself to sleep at night but as time has gone by I have developed a new coping mechanism – take her car and drive for hours before returning her car with an empty tank. Childish I know but it’s better than comfort eating.

The main thing to remember is that no matter who you are or what you’re going to there will always be someone who is able to help you through it. And if that person isn’t someone nearby, I’m always here

 

Now, I must go and finish this episode, feel free to message me about anything 🙂 as always, either find me here or on twitter @kvburton657

 

ktkinnes x