Well then

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So this is a last minute post and I’m not sure how I feel about sharing it yet as I’m still forming my thoughts but then I remembered that that was one of the reasons I started blogging – to talk through my thoughts and ideas and possibly (hopefully) receive feedback from you lovely people. All I’ll say is please forgive me for the lack of continuity as my brain bounces from one thought to the next.

In the next 48 hours, I have exams 3 and 4 of my 5 resists. I’ve done the revision, I’ve completed past papers and tutorial questions and all the stuff you’re meant to do to prepare for an exam. And then today I hit the wall. You know the wall, don’t you? That one that sits there and you physically cannot break through it to continue.

I woke up this morning asking myself why I was still trying. Yes, okay, today’s a bad day for a number of reasons that I can’t get into right now without crying and starting a pity party. You shouldn’t listen to your mind on a bad day, right? Except today isn’t the first I’ve felt like this.

Ever since last week’s disastrous Physics paper, I’ve been seriously thinking about just leaving university. Unguided learning just isn’t for me. I’ve admitted that to myself in the last few days. I lack the motivation to complete simple homeworks. I struggle to persuade myself to get out of bed regardless of how much sleep I’ve had. There’s a complete lack of routine in my life and therefore no structure. Now, I know I’m the one who can fix that but I don’t think university is right for me.

I’ve been proud of myself for being at university. My cousins either didn’t go or dropped out quickly and I was always proud of myself for even just making it to second year. But I didn’t feel like I wanted to be here for any reason other than it’s what was expected of me. Yes, I’ve always wanted to be a teacher. But I’m not sure now that I do. To be honest I don’t have a clue what I want to do with my life. I’m 4 weeks off my 21st birthday and I still feel like the 13 year old who’s floating along as if she hasn’t any responsibilities.

But I know tomorrow’s exam won’t go at all well. Even having gone to lectures and studied for ages last exam diet, I got a G2. To be honest, that’s better than I remembered. Could’ve sworn I got an H2 but there it is in black and white for you.

Well then Life With Ktkinnes
Seeing my grades displayed like that, surely you can now see for yourself why I’m considering just dropping out of university.

To be honest, I’m even considering not showing up to tomorrow’s exam… Or Friday’s for that matter. But I know that would be stupid. Do I email my adviser and ask to meet him in the morning and explain to him how I’ve spent the entire summer revising but I know it’s not going to have made any difference? Do I tell him that I just want out but can’t face telling my parents that I dropped out? Yes. The truth is I would rather be kicked out of university than tell my parents I chose to walk out. It’s not like they’re paying for me to be here or helping me in any way. Apart from paying my phone bill and feeding me when I’m home, I’ve been completely financially independent since I started university in 2014. Big wow I hear you guys say, that was using a student loan and a maintenance loan. Those need paid back the minute I start earning. But if I can get a full time job and earn roughly £500 a month, I’d be pretty much where I am now. That’s 75 hours a month so not even 20 hours a week at minimum wage. That’s reasonable, right?

To be honest, I don’t know why I’m asking these questions. You know as well as I do that I’ll go in tomorrow and Friday and sit those exams. I know I’ll fail them, you may have more faith in me but I’ve given up hope. Friday morning at 11:30 I will be beginning to look at full time jobs here in Glasgow. Who knows, maybe when I’m working I’ll be more involved in my blog. And maybe then I’ll be happier.

I don’t even know what I’ve said in this post, I’m just going to hit post and hope that you guys can give me some advice. If you don’t want to comment below, find me on Twitter (@kvburton657) or email me at lifewithktkinnes@outlook.com.

12 thoughts on “Well then

  1. hannahjoy

    Aww… I can relate to sooo much of what you’ve expressed. I’m really impressed though, you’ve taken on a lot of stress and even in your doubts you’re carefully thinking it all through. Not sure if it will help but I’d say forget what everyone inc family are expecting of you for a moment and re-examine your goals & happiness needs…. Then absolutely go with what truly matters to you, excites you and will make you really truly happy… Easier said than done but a little mental step back sometimes helps see clearly. I wish you all the best!!! x

  2. ktkinnes

    Thank you! To be honest, right now nothing excites me – not even the prospect of getting a degree and going into teaching! I’ve had times like this before but never this bad and I can’t ask friends or family for advice because they don’t seem to understand where I’m coming from xx

  3. hannahjoy

    Totally understand… Definitely don’t give up on your days though, keep taking the next small step no matter how long it takes for you to figure out where you want go and all 🙂 you’re allowed to take your time, it’s your life! I’m sorry you can’t go to family or friends, that sucks! You sound so much like me lol… Anyway, you can always email me if you feel like- hannahjoybooks@gmail.com

  4. ktkinnes

    Thanks, and sorry it’s taken me so long to reply. I’ve taken the last 45 minutes to look into what I could do instead of continuing uni and am slowly coming up with ideas and a plan. I’m going to sit the next 2 days of exams but I’m also going to email my adviser and explain all this to him in the hope that he can offer some advice or at least agree to be a reference for job applications etc. Thank you for reading and commenting, your advice has been really helpful xxx 💕

  5. ktkinnes

    Thank you, I’ll be honest and say I think I’ve got a plan in mind for the next few days but I am going to sit the exams and hope for the best. What’s that saying? “Hope for the best, prepare for the worst”? I know I want to teach, and I know I could be good at it. I just don’t think that my degree choice was the right one and so I’m going to have to figure out a way to get around this. I’ll let you know how it goes! xxx

  6. ReeRee_x

    Hiya Katie, I hope you haven’t made any decisions yet but please take this from me, DO NOT GIVE UP!
    Uni can be the hardest thing in the world for some people. I found it dreadful, I almost quit on numerous occasions but I was forced to stay by my family and friends and in the long run, I’m SO glad I stuck it out.
    I spent my uni days depressed. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. I’ve put the whole experience in a box, never to be opened again!
    In the end I graduated with a 2:1 and although I would NEVER, EVER, EVER do it ever again in my life, I can proudly say it’s just another hurdle I jumped over AND got a degree in the end.
    You have done 2 years… Don’t let that be in vain! You’ve got one more, lady – just one! Stick it out and then when it’s over you never have to look back. Think of it in the grand scheme of things. What’s 3 years out of a potential 100? NOTHING.
    You can do this, I PROMISE. Ask your lecturers for extensions if you need them (I did). DEPEND on your family as much as possible. Do what you need to do to relax/wind down etc and just get it done.
    It’s worth it in the end. xxx

  7. ktkinnes

    Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this post, I really appreciate all the help and advice I can get right now!
    I’ve semi decided that I’m ready to be done. Since I’m at a Scottish university, my course is a minimum 4 year one, plus an extra year of teacher training afterwards. Having spoken to friends and family, I decided that I am going to try my best with these resits. If I can scrape into my next year of university then I’ll stick with it and get as much help and support as possible from the uni and my friends and family. However, I’ve also come to the conclusion that it won’t be the end of the world if I fail these exams.
    Congratulations on your 2:1!! And thank you for sharing that with me. It seems anyone who’s felt the same as me in the past has given up, you’re the first person I’ve spoken to who continued and managed to achieve a degree out of it in the end, and for that I applaud you. Can I ask what uni you were at and what your degree was? I was advised recently that I could investigate changing universities and am going to spend tonight looking into that.

    Thanks so much for commenting, and for your advice! It really means a lot to me xxx

  8. ReeRee_x

    It’s definitely not easy, so I DO understand. I threatened to quit almost every month. One day I ran into one of my lecturer’s rooms crying and screaming about how I hated uni and how I was going to fail, bla bla bla. But that’s me all over, such a drama queen haha. But seriously, I was under so much pressure that I suffered several melt downs. I barely ate, barely slept. I seemed to get into a lot of trouble too. It was a SHIT time.
    To be honest, it seems to be in only very exceptional circumstances (depending on the uni) that they would actually allow their students to fail. At the end of the day, it looks bad on them. Please just do the best you can do and you’re SO right, it’s not the end of the world. I always say, am I gonna die? Is anyone gonna die? If no one is gonna die, who cares?!
    Haha thank you. I did English Language in Liverpool. Haven’t used it but I did it because it’s my favourite subject. I’m not sure how worthwhile degrees are these days but I just don’t want you to give up or waste your time. That sense of achievement is worth it. You’re congratulating me but you could be congratulating yourself at the end of this.
    However, if staying in uni is going to have an impact on your HEALTH then leave. Nothing is worth that. If you think you can stick at it, then do. Xxx

  9. Annika

    I have been out of school for many, many years now so I want to offer you some BTDT advice. Definitely take your exams and do as well as you can but don’t overthink it. The first two years of college were harder for me than the last 3 because it was all the prerequisite courses (liberal arts) things you needed for a Bachelor of Arts degree. By my third year I was mostly in classes I wanted to be in (Journalism, English, Art) and my GPA took a massive turn upwards (Hello Dean’s list… we haven’t me before now lol). I can see from your schedule you are doing all prereq stuff. Don’t give up until you have at least been exposed to some education classes and then you will get a better feel for whether or not this is something you really want to continue to pursue.
    Finally, I will say that it is much harder to go back when you are older if you have a family started so now is the time if you can manage it. Don’t give up I am sure you can do it!

  10. ktkinnes

    Thank you! My main problem is I’m currently doing an undergraduate degree in Physics and will have to complete a postgraduate degree in Education before I can teach and it’s the physics I’m really struggling with. I’ve now got 2 exams left so am ready to do my best in them, you never know they may go well. I definitely agree that returning when I’m older isn’t an option though, as you say families get started etc! I don’t think I’m ready to give up, rather I’m ready to see what path my life is taking.
    Thank you for taking the time to read and pass on some advice! You’ve definitely given me stuff to think about xx

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