Posted in Lifestyle

2017’s First Ramble

Hello once again! And welcome back to my ramblings. I will be 100% honest and say that this post was written the night before my last Christmas exam, when I was trying to think back on 2016. Now, I know I wrote up a post during Blogmas – does it count as Blogmas if it was after Christmas? Anyway, I’m getting distracted again – reflecting on all the happenings of 2016. It was fun to write up and remember all the exciting things I got up to. However, this one is more about what I felt and thought throughout the year, a more personal one if I may. In fact, it came about as I sat in my room, eating a Chinese takeaway that probably would’ve fed 2 or 3 people, binge watching Netflix, and looking at myself in the mirror. Now before you think me vain, I should probably point out that my mirror sits behind the laptop, and I was feeling much too lazy to move it so as not to see my spotty face framed by my half wavy hair. And please don’t get me started on my hair drying naturally – it always just looks weird.

 

Once again, I’m getting away from the actual point of this post, however it’s that mirror that got me thinking. I promised myself in January 2016 that I would start to accept myself. I reiterated this promise in August when I was in Glasgow for my resits. Once more, September came and with it was a promise to work on being “me” and accepting myself, as well as properly putting effort into things I enjoyed. So you would think that on December 12th 2016, I would’ve reached a place where I was happy with myself. And yet, as I looked at the empty plate and cutlery needing moved to the kitchen, and as I listened to Claire Fay portraying Elizabeth II, I wasn’t actually happy in myself. And yet I didn’t know why.

 

To be honest, the more I thought about it, the more I realised that these things brought only a few minutes of happiness, followed by a long time of regret and disappointment in myself. If I could put into words how I felt then I would, but even now I can’t quite word it right. I think the only way to describe it would be to say I felt empty. Not happy, but not sad. I wasn’t nervous about the exam – even thinking about that, I had no overwhelming feelings. And that in itself got me thinking and writing.

 

I’ve admitted to both myself and to you all that really I don’t think this was the right course for me to take in life, however I also want to try my hardest to achieve what the voices in my head are telling me I will never manage – to get through this degree and come out of it ready to move onto the next step, becoming a teacher. It’s what I’ve always wanted. And yet, even the thought of that didn’t make me feel anything. Strange isn’t it? How we can just have those moments.

 

During this time, however, I started wondering what would make me happy. What could I do to begin to feel good in my own skin? Feel I belonged, or was needed, or just generally like I deserved to be where I was. Because to be honest, a lot of the time I don’t feel I deserve it. I have an amazing group of friends, and I don’t tell them that enough. In fact, I rarely ever tell them that. Would that make me happier?

 

I began to consider physical changes. We’ve all been told over and over again that we should love ourselves for who we are. But what if the person you currently are doesn’t feel like someone who deserves your love? It’s confusing, isn’t it. I asked myself would I be happier if I lost weight. Not for appearance’s sake, I knew that much. Not for my mum or family members who ask at least once a week if I’ve lost any weight, that just made me refuse to do it at all. But from a health point of view. I know exercise plays a large part in it all, but looking at the amount of food I had just consumed filled me with a lot of regret. It got me thinking. How can I change my habits? What can I do to improve my quality of life? A more recent study has shown that on average we take 66 days to form new habits. It’s a long time, but over the next few months I intend on breaking old habits and forming new ones. I often find it difficult to start these things while at home, so I couldn’t exactly start on January 1st the way I wanted to. But I’m hoping to keep you updated as time goes on.

I look in the mirror, and I don’t like what I see looking back. However I can change this. Physically, I can change, and mentally I can learn to love myself. By putting this out here for you all to read, I’m hoping to encourage myself to stick at it. So it may seem boring but I want to describe it here.

 

I want to start eating properly. I am going to work my days around cooking them, because I actually really enjoy cooking. I just don’t enjoy eating what I cook. So I’m going to create a meal plan and stick to it. Stop the snacks and fizzy drinks and set a proper food budget to stick to. Enough is enough. I say this every year but I mean it this year. I’m 21, it’s about time I started looking after my health properly.

 

At the same time, I want to find an exercise regime I enjoy. Watching Zoe’s progress for the last few months has really inspired me to start exercising properly. I love keeping up with how she’s doing, and she really is an inspiration to me. I have a holiday in March, and hopefully a summer holiday somewhere at some point, and I want to be able to look at myself before we go away and say ‘Katie, it’s time you buy some new clothes in a smaller size’.

 

I want a routine. Not to simply get through each day, but to actually properly live my life. Factoring in exercise, cooking, university stuff, socialising, and hopefully a job, I want to figure it all out. It’s when I’m bored and alone in the flat that I reach these moments of questioning where my life is going.

 

 

My first thoughts daily shouldn’t be questioning whether I need to get up or whether or not I’ll wear my jeans for the 5th day in a row, rather I want to wake up feeling energised and excited to dress properly for the day ahead. Second year university saw me ban myself from wearing tracksuit bottoms to lectures, and it actually made a bit of a difference! I continued that at the start of this year, and dressing like you’re doing something that day automatically makes you feel more productive.

 

I’m going to stop washing my hair every day. I know it’s bad for it, and trust me when I say I am working on it, however I probably need at least three weeks to correct my hair’s need to be washed daily. So if my friends don’t mind, there will be a week in which I don’t wash it, and then from then I will figure out a routine.

 

But that’s enough rambling to you for now. I think I’m going to create a page on here specifically for keeping up to date with how all this is going. But for now, it’s merely a plan. Let’s see if I can stick to it, shall we?

 

A rather tired and fed up Ktkinnes xx

Posted in Lifestyle

Update

Hiya everyone! Sorry I’ve been AWOL the last week. Can’t even say I’ve been overly busy. I just was throwing myself into writing up blogmas posts and getting the planning for them started. However, it was pointed out to me today by a certain person who wants a post dedicated to herself that I hadn’t posted anything new and so here I am.

 

I realise that writing a post because someone asks you to isn’t always a great idea. A lot of the time, motivation and inspiration are needed for writing a ‘good’ post. At the same time, the posts I write and expect to do well actually always tend to be a bit of a flop. Instead, the ones that I write randomly actually tend to be more popular – funny, isn’t it?

 

I wanted to write something that’s been on my mind quite a bit recently, something I keep thinking about and meaning to talk to people about but it always ends up being pushed down. I was visiting a friend on Wednesday night and we actually both agreed on it. Not that surprising when I eventually get round to telling you what we were discussing; the interesting part is that while we both agreed on the ideology neither of us put it into practice as much as we should.

 

The concept, my friends, is happiness. There are so many quotes and ideals on happiness. We all constantly strive for it, and once we have it we grasp on for dear life – savouring it for as long as we can. A lovely young lady I know through blogging pointed out a few days ago that life is far too short for us to worry. It’s too short for us to hold on to grudges and the likes. Instead, her life philosophy was simply that we should live each day to the max, make the most of the opportunities presented to us, and remember ourselves in times when we need to.

 

Now, when I was at my friend’s the other night, we were discussing some things that have been going on in his life over the last few months, and it was actually refreshing when he said that doing something because it makes you happy should be the main motivation for doing anything. It’s different for each of us, but everyone has at least that one thing that makes them happy. Me? I’m happy when I blog. I’m happy when I’m with people I care about. I’m happy when I’m singing along to crappy music and dancing like an idiot (only when drunk, otherwise you’ll find me awkwardly dancing in a small circle and only mouthing the words). I’ve been told I’m obsessed with Christmas multiple times, yet that doesn’t bother me because why shouldn’t I be excited for a time when I feel genuinely happy just because of dates on a calendar?

I wrote a post a while back about a ‘down’ day that I’d had. I censored it a bit because there were thoughts I had that day that I don’t even want to remind myself about, never mind let someone else know what went through my head. But I’m on the up again now and I’m doing the best I can to keep positive. Another thing I am constantly reminded of is that it’s okay to not always be okay, and I think a lot of us forget this so frequently.

 

However I wanted to write a motivating, or at least slightly positive, post for today. It’s almost the weekend. Whatever you do this weekend, do it not because you have to but because you want to, and don’t let anyone guilt trip you into or out of doing something. Take time for you. Think about you. Go on that walk, read that book, binge-watch that series you could never admit to loving for fear of being laughed at for it.

 

This week has reminded me that no matter what happens, we tend to be able to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and wait for the next shock to hit us. So many people inspire me daily to be like them. They either struggle daily, have done in the past, or are struggling now and don’t want to let people know how they’re doing. So while yo focus on your happiness this weekend, ask yourself are you truly happy or are you conforming to society’s conception of happiness.

 

Actually, I was going to finish this post there, but that last sentence got me thinking – what actually is happiness? We constantly chase it, hunt for it, some of us would even do anything to be ‘happy’ – no matter how you define it.

 

This weekend, I have Rachel over, and so I probably won’t be blogging much. While I’ve definitely been more excited to see her, it’ll be nice to have a change of company even if it’s only for a couple of days. Actually, while it’s in my head, I should hide the Christmas present I bought her… Well I think I’ve bought it for her, I might just keep it for me, but either way I should move it until she’s gone again.

 

I know we’re close to November, and I should probably start thinking about my November goals, but I just wanted to share this with you. We have 2 months left of the year, and then most of us start thinking about New Year’s Resolutions, but what if instead of making goals, I think about what would make me happy? In fact, I should probably look back at the resolutions I made back in January… There may still be time to complete them. But the things that would make me happy are:

  • Travel more. Doesn’t matter where, doesn’t matter if I’m on my own or what, but I want to travel and see more. Even if it’s a weekend in Manchester or something, I just want to do different things.
  • Keep up blogging. I wasn’t in the best of moods when I sat down to write this, but blogging definitely relaxes me and allows me to get out all the thoughts and experiences I’ve had.
  • Spend more time with friends and people I care about. I go through phases of not seeing anyone, and I’ve begun to notice how this affects my mood. I’m not saying I need to see people all day every day – even I would get fed up with that – but the last few nights of catching up with friends has been great.
  • Appreciate the here and now. Yes, there’s always something exciting coming up, but there are so many little things in a day to be happy for! Today? I get to walk down a tree-lined street and look at all the autumn leaves as they fall.

 

So yes, life is short. And some of you may have experienced my sentiment that life sucks and then you die, but the reality is it doesn’t have to suck. We’ve been given this opportunity to live and walk and breathe and just exist, and so many of us waste it doing things we don’t want to do, to impress people we don’t like, to pretend to ourselves that we’re happy and that’s why we’re doing it. Not anymore. Tonight, I’m going to share my bed with my multiple teddies that I have here at uni (don’t judge me), I’m going to have a good time with my sister and her boyfriend, and I’m going to make the most of seeing her. I’ve a few more things I need to do for Monday, but I’ll worry about them later. For now, I’m going to sign off and go get through the shower. Anyone want to come to my Maths lecture with me?

 

 

Ktkinnes xx

Posted in Lifestyle

Paris

With all that’s happened and is still ongoing in Paris tonight I just wanted to thank you all for being there to read my blog or at least pretending to read. There’s so much hate in the world right now and I think there are times we all need to take a step back and realise what we have. 
Today one of my friends was in court due to a racist attack against her. It’s been a long year for her but justice was finally served. As we began celebrations, we heard about Paris and all the awful stuff happening. 
My thoughts are with all who are suffering tonight and if any of you have any friends or family in Paris then I hope they’re alright.
Stay strong

Ktkinnes xxx