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I went to bed last night feeling great after watching a lovely film with Mary and Nuala. I don’t really know what I did all day, so it was nice to do something as the three of us just so I could actually pinpoint a part of the day and be like “yes, I did that”. However, as I crawled into bed, I took a little bit of a self confidence hit and found myself having a pity party.
So what if this week has given me a few set backs? Who cares whether I had a good day Tuesday or a bad day Friday? Just to clarify Friday was actually a pretty good day but that’s not the point of this. The point is, I’m tired of my brain trying to make excuses that just don’t make sense.
For years now, any time something happens like friends go out without me, or I’m not in on a conversation, my mind spirals. It doesn’t accept that I wasn’t invited because the host knew I was out of the country at the time, instead it tells me I wasn’t invited because the host actually doesn’t like me and just puts up with me for appearances sake. I once was crying and working myself up that much at being removed from a group chat that I ended up having a panic attack. Over a group chat that was practically dead anyway. So yes, my mind likes to play tricks on me. A lot of the time, I know it’s a load of rubbish and push it away, other times it festers.
You want to know what my brain decided to tell me on Saturday night? I managed to convince myself that the reason Mary and Nuala are looking at a flat for the 2 of them together is because I’m fat. And do you know the worst part? For a good 5 minutes I believed myself. Yeah they have their reasons, and I probably won’t hear them, but I know for a fact that my weight isn’t one of them!
Sorry, this really is a rambling post because I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just knew I wanted to share it with someone, and that someone was you.
As Nuala and I agreed, after a lengthy gym session on Friday, I do a lot of talking, not an awful lot of acting on it. I’ve come on here and announced that I want to lose weight, and yet 3 weeks into the month I still find myself scouring cupboard for something to snack on, or running to the shop for an unhealthy lunch rather than making something in the flat. There’s only me who can change that, no one else.
To be honest, I’m ready for a change. I feel like I’ve spent the last few years living as if someone’s going to come along and tell me that actually life is just a dream and I’m going to wake up soon. I had a moment today when I realised that actually no, I am going to get older, leave university, find a job, and actually have to somehow exist as an adult. This isn’t some game we play and stop playing every now and again. There are no cheats. There’s no restarting from scratch. There’s no “ctrl + z” to undo something. All we can do is move forward and move further in life.
I used to think that by 21 I would be mature, organised, healthy, and have my life in order. Now, I can’t even guarantee I’ll be sorted by the time I’m 30! But that’s okay too.
I feel old saying this, but my age group have been raised on the promise of “if you can dream it, you can achieve it” and when we don’t achieve it, we blame everyone but ourselves – claiming we’ve been lied to, mislead, and let down. I’m guilty of it myself. We don’t grasp the reigns and start a new path, yet we try to reach new, undiscovered lands by following the paths that lead to just where we don’t want to go. It’s stupid and we end up beating ourselves up over it, and then we feel crap.
I’m going to stop rambling now and say goodbye because I’ve just had a brainwave and want to write it down before I forget it. So, once again, thank you for staying with me throughout this post. It’s been a bit all over the place, and I’ve given myself some inspiration for another post at a later stage, but that’s another time.
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