Evening one and all! Well if you count managing to get through 6 episodes of 24 in one sitting as a new skill or hobby then that’s great! According to you I achieved my goal for today 😀 however if you’re like me and realise that I wasted a lot of my day then you would agree that that was a bad idea.
Currently in bed and finishing season 6 (yes I know I should be working on the film list) I came to the conclusion that maybe when I’m back in Glasgow I should do volunteer work if I can’t find a job. What really put this into my head was the fact that my sister has an appointment with CAMHS tomorrow – Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service. Until recently only a select number of my friends have been aware of the fact that for the past 11 months, Rachel has been suffering from diagnosed depression. Mum on the other hand is in denial.
The first I heard about it was an evening in January when we were all sitting in the kitchen drinking. Mum phoned to tell me they had been to a meeting in my sister’s school during which the head of pastoral staff told my parents that both he and Rachel’s friends were worried about her mental wellbeing. It was at this point that mum told me my sister has depression and then she proceeded to tell me it was my fault for not talking to her as much since I’d moved away. After this it was then my fault because I never came home for long periods of time. But the thing my darling mother never stopped to consider was this – why find a particular person or thing to blame it on? Yes we all like to have something to point at and say “that’s what has caused this to happen” but placing the blame with me was the wrong answer.
That night I booked to skive a few days of uni and flew home as a surprise for my sister. She was happy to see me of course but we both knew it wasn’t going to solve the problem. While we were in Ibiza the two of us talked a little about it. Rachel said its not a sudden thing that you can look at and say “yes from that point I was depressed”. Rather, it was the fact that she had always felt this way and only recently had she begun to voice her thoughts. One thing my parents told me that Rachel didn’t was that about 10 days after I went back to Glasgow in February, she tried to kill herself. They didn’t tell me how and they waited 4 months before telling me. But how exactly do I ask her about it?
We’ve both always agreed that life would be simpler if our parents were no longer together. Recently this option has seemed more likely to become the situation but that’s a conversation for a different night. They’ve argued for years. Not just normal parental arguments but proper throwing things and violence involved. Numerous times Rachel and I have been told if it wasn’t for us they would’ve divorced years ago. That’s not exactly something a 10 year old wants to hear. Or something they need to hear for that matter. For the past 9 years I had managed to either diffuse the tension or distract Rachel from what was going on in the house but this year with me away she became properly aware of the nightmare that is living with my parents. That hasn’t helped at all. To be honest I reached a stage in my life where I swore I was never going to have children because I refused to put my kids through the hell that Rachel and I had been through.
Livin here now isn’t any easier. It can be worse because I got used to not having to deal with it. But now I want to help other people who are/were in the situation Rachel found herself in.
So basically, to finish this post, I’d like to ask each of you to just check with your friends and family that they’re okay. Make sure they have someone to talk to if things ever feel like they’re getting too much. Also, take time to make sure you have someone to talk to. No one is ever alone and there will always be someone willing to help.
Goodnight everyone, stay safe. And thank you once again for taking the time to read this