Okay so I’ve slacked with the Friday Favourites posts again, I actually have 2 half written but my heart just hasn’t been in them the last couple of weeks so keep an eye out for them randomly appearing in the mix of posts. I haven’t really felt like blogging much recently either, it just feels like everything I have tried to do knocks me back even further into myself. Heck we were sitting having a laugh the other day over a few drinks and I found myself wanting to leave the group and go sit in my room again. Think exams are getting to me.
So that’s why I’m writing this post. My more diary-styled ones always seem to help me sort out my thoughts and everything going on around me, so I apologise if I end up talking through myself but sometimes the unedited version of me is the one that needs to go out there.
I woke up this morning to the sound of the workmen in the garden again and it’s really beginning to get to me. We all know I’m not the best sleeper at the best of times, but recently I’ve just been constantly exhausted. When I can’t sleep, I either watch TV or I read until I need to sleep. Last night was a reading night. I forgot how much I loved diving into a good book and completely forgetting everything around me. After almost 2 hours of reading I decided it was time to try and sleep, but once again I couldn’t get comfortable. I felt restless, agitated, as if something wasn’t right. So, being the big child I am, I gathered all my soft toys together, buried my head in the middle of them, and forced myself to go to sleep that way. Four hours later I was woken by the workmen in the garden.
I don’t know why, but when I don;t get much sleep, I find I have more energy in the morning. So I jumped out of bed and got started on my to do list for the day. I contacted a few people about flat viewings, I emailed the school I’m doing work experience in next month, and I got through 3 lectures of my revision plan for the day. And then I hit the wall. The noise from outside is distracting me. I’m exhausted again. I realise, once again, how much I hate my course and the path my life seems to be currently taking. It gets harder to motivate myself. I try bribing myself – just one more lecture then you can go for a walk and clear your head. You dont need to even fully understand the lecture, just take another look at the notes and know you can replicate this. This then fails spectacularly. I feel guilty that I can’t even make it until lunch without revision ‘killing me’.
To be honest, I think that’s where all this leads back to. I’m beginning to resent myself again because I made a revision timetable that I should’ve known I wouldn’t stick to, and so I disappoint myself daily because I’m behind on where I wanted to be. Then, while I’m busy being disappointed in myself for that, I’m more disappointed in myself because I’m not only letting myself down, but everyone who worked hard to get me back into university this year. And then to top it all off, I begin to wonder if coming back was even the right thing to do. By this stage, we’re back to the resentment, and the cycle starts over again.
So I come to blog. And my mind goes blank. I can’t enjoy what I’m trying to do. And that’s when I realise that I could never do this full time, even if I wanted to. I blog for the fun of it. That feeling of accomplishment at the end of the day when you go to look at your stats and see that you got more than 20 views that particular day (and yes I know 20 isn’t much but for me it’s plenty).
I’m just feeling disconnected from everything. So I’m sorry that my posts haven’t been more my usual. And I’m sorry that I haven’t written what I have said I would. Be patient with me please, I’m still figuring this all out myself. I hope you don’t mind.