Okay so I didn’t talk about it at the time except for to a few people, but my week didn’t start off too well. Sunday was a busy day and I was in a great mood until something minor happened and then it escalated and basically it ruined my day. Warning, before you go any further – this post may be triggering to some people.
I was hurt. Badly emotionally hurt by people I considered my friends. It was all over something small and insignificant to start with and then ended up worse because of a few things that were said. I won’t name anyone, I won’t say what it was even about, but I will tell you this – I was so close to relapsing and self harming for the first time in years.
I never did the “normal” self harming, I felt that was silly as it was too noticeable. My way of hurting myself was to stand in the shower with the water as hot as possible and see how long it took to feel anything other than how I was feeling at the time. I used to think myself smart because I would then just wear full length tops and jumpers with sleeves long enough to pull over my now red hands, or a pair of heavy trousers that were too tight, just to feel the slight pain of the waistband any time I sat down.
I never wanted to open this side of me up to my blog. In fact, the only two people I’ve told about this are two people I trust with everything. But the point in me telling you this is the fact that on Sunday night I felt the need to do this to myself again. Anything had to feel better than how I was feeling at that point, and I probably would’ve gone through with it if it hadn’t been for an incoming call on Skype.
So I suppose the whole point in me writing this post is to show that no matter how crap I feel from one day to the next, I can still look myself in the mirror and know I have managed two and a half years without actually doing that again. There are days when I feel like it’s the only option, but instead of giving in to it I skip my shower until later when I’m feeling less low, even if that means waiting a few days. I’d rather be dirty and know that I haven’t relapsed than relapse and feel even worse about myself.
No matter how bad you feel at the time, there’s only one way to go when you’re at rock bottom. And when you’ve got the right support, you’ll find yourself floating towards the light above you soon enough. Hopefully if you’re ever feeling this low, you can go to friends or family, but I just wanted you to know that I’m also here for any of you at any time.