Posted in Lifestyle

Right

Enough’s enough. 

I went to bed last night feeling great after watching a lovely film with Mary and Nuala. I don’t really know what I did all day, so it was nice to do something as the three of us just so I could actually pinpoint a part of the day and be like “yes, I did that”. However, as I crawled into bed, I took a little bit of a self confidence hit and found myself having a pity party.

So what if this week has given me a few set backs? Who cares whether I had a good day Tuesday or a bad day Friday? Just to clarify Friday was actually a pretty good day but that’s not the point of this. The point is, I’m tired of my brain trying to make excuses that just don’t make sense. 

For years now, any time something happens like friends go out without me, or I’m not in on a conversation, my mind spirals. It doesn’t accept that I wasn’t invited because the host knew I was out of the country at the time, instead it tells me I wasn’t invited because the host actually doesn’t like me and just puts up with me for appearances sake. I once was crying and working myself up that much at being removed from a group chat that I ended up having a panic attack. Over a group chat that was practically dead anyway. So yes, my mind likes to play tricks on me. A lot of the time, I know it’s a load of rubbish and push it away, other times it festers.

You want to know what my brain decided to tell me on Saturday night? I managed to convince myself that the reason Mary and Nuala are looking at a flat for the 2 of them together is because I’m fat. And do you know the worst part? For a good 5 minutes I believed myself. Yeah they have their reasons, and I probably won’t hear them, but I know for a fact that my weight isn’t one of them!

Sorry, this really is a rambling post because I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just knew I wanted to share it with someone, and that someone was you.

As Nuala and I agreed, after a lengthy gym session on Friday, I do a lot of talking, not an awful lot of acting on it. I’ve come on here and announced that I want to lose weight, and yet 3 weeks into the month I still find myself scouring cupboard for something to snack on, or running to the shop for an unhealthy lunch rather than making something in the flat. There’s only me who can change that, no one else. 

To be honest, I’m ready for a change. I feel like I’ve spent the last few years living as if someone’s going to come along and tell me that actually life is just a dream and I’m going to wake up soon. I had a moment today when I realised that actually no, I am going to get older, leave university, find a job, and actually have to somehow exist as an adult. This isn’t some game we play and stop playing every now and again. There are no cheats. There’s no restarting from scratch. There’s no “ctrl + z” to undo something. All we can do is move forward and move further in life. 

I used to think that by 21 I would be mature, organised, healthy, and have my life in order. Now, I can’t even guarantee I’ll be sorted by the time I’m 30! But that’s okay too. 

I feel old saying this, but my age group have been raised on the promise of “if you can dream it, you can achieve it” and when we don’t achieve it, we blame everyone but ourselves – claiming we’ve been lied to, mislead, and let down. I’m guilty of it myself. We don’t grasp the reigns and start a new path, yet we try to reach new, undiscovered lands by following the paths that lead to just where we don’t want to go. It’s stupid and we end up beating ourselves up over it, and then we feel crap.

I’m going to stop rambling now and say goodbye because I’ve just had a brainwave and want to write it down before I forget it. So, once again, thank you for staying with me throughout this post. It’s been a bit all over the place, and I’ve given myself some inspiration for another post at a later stage, but that’s another time.

Speak soon!

Advertisements
Posted in Food

My Chilli Chicken Adventures

Hello again! So yesterday was a pre-scheduled post, and it’s been so long (well… almost a week) since I got talking to you all properly. I’ve missed it, believe it or not. You’re actually such an important part of my life and it feels weird when I’m not taking the time to sit and talk to you.

 

Well, anyone who has me on Snapchat – and if you don’t, why don’t you? – will hopefully have seen that last night I decided to try and create my own sticky chilli chicken recipe. It was somewhat based on this video that I saw while walking home from my programming lab (don’t ask me about it, it was a nightmare and that’s all you need to know). I knew I needed to cook the two chicken breasts I had sitting in the fridge but had no idea what to do with them, and here was the perfect opportunity to try something completely different!

 

Ingredients (serves 1):

  • 2 tbsp oil
  • 1 chicken breast
  • salt and pepper to flavour
  • 1 egg, beaten
  • 25g plain flour
  • 1 pepper, sliced (I used half a green and half a red just to mix things up)
  • 3 garlic cloves, crushed
  • 1 red onion, sliced
  • 1 chilli, chopped
  • 3 tbsp soy sauce
  • 2 tbsp tomato purée
  • 100ml water
  • 2 tortilla wraps

In hindsight, I would probably also add a handful of sliced mushrooms to this and serve with rice.

 

Method:

  1. Heat the oil in a frying pan over a high heat.
  2. Lightly salt and pepper the chicken breast and slice into chunks.
  3. Dunk the chunks of chicken in the egg then cover in flour.
  4. Add the now floured chicken to the hot oil and seal.
  5. Next, add the sliced pepper to the pan and soften.
  6. Remove the chicken and pepper from the pan before adding the garlic, chilli, onion, soy sauce, tomato purée and water to the pan. Mix well.
  7. Lower the heat to a medium heat, and allow the liquid to come to the boil.
  8. Leave it to bubble until the sauce looks ‘jammy’ and has reduced in volume of liquid.
  9. Add the chicken and peppers to the sauce and mix well. If using, add the mushrooms at this stage too.
  10. Continue to cook over a low heat until the chicken is fully cooked and the sauce has reduced more.
  11. Heat your wraps, or cook your rice according to the instructions on the packet.
  12. Serve when the chicken looks sticky and you are happy with it!

 

I hope you enjoy this recipe as much as I did! I’m so excited to have the left overs at lunch today. Let me know if you try it or if there’s anything you think you’d do differently. I love people leaving comments!

img_2193

Posted in Lifestyle

2017’s First Ramble

Hello once again! And welcome back to my ramblings. I will be 100% honest and say that this post was written the night before my last Christmas exam, when I was trying to think back on 2016. Now, I know I wrote up a post during Blogmas – does it count as Blogmas if it was after Christmas? Anyway, I’m getting distracted again – reflecting on all the happenings of 2016. It was fun to write up and remember all the exciting things I got up to. However, this one is more about what I felt and thought throughout the year, a more personal one if I may. In fact, it came about as I sat in my room, eating a Chinese takeaway that probably would’ve fed 2 or 3 people, binge watching Netflix, and looking at myself in the mirror. Now before you think me vain, I should probably point out that my mirror sits behind the laptop, and I was feeling much too lazy to move it so as not to see my spotty face framed by my half wavy hair. And please don’t get me started on my hair drying naturally – it always just looks weird.

 

Once again, I’m getting away from the actual point of this post, however it’s that mirror that got me thinking. I promised myself in January 2016 that I would start to accept myself. I reiterated this promise in August when I was in Glasgow for my resits. Once more, September came and with it was a promise to work on being “me” and accepting myself, as well as properly putting effort into things I enjoyed. So you would think that on December 12th 2016, I would’ve reached a place where I was happy with myself. And yet, as I looked at the empty plate and cutlery needing moved to the kitchen, and as I listened to Claire Fay portraying Elizabeth II, I wasn’t actually happy in myself. And yet I didn’t know why.

 

To be honest, the more I thought about it, the more I realised that these things brought only a few minutes of happiness, followed by a long time of regret and disappointment in myself. If I could put into words how I felt then I would, but even now I can’t quite word it right. I think the only way to describe it would be to say I felt empty. Not happy, but not sad. I wasn’t nervous about the exam – even thinking about that, I had no overwhelming feelings. And that in itself got me thinking and writing.

 

I’ve admitted to both myself and to you all that really I don’t think this was the right course for me to take in life, however I also want to try my hardest to achieve what the voices in my head are telling me I will never manage – to get through this degree and come out of it ready to move onto the next step, becoming a teacher. It’s what I’ve always wanted. And yet, even the thought of that didn’t make me feel anything. Strange isn’t it? How we can just have those moments.

 

During this time, however, I started wondering what would make me happy. What could I do to begin to feel good in my own skin? Feel I belonged, or was needed, or just generally like I deserved to be where I was. Because to be honest, a lot of the time I don’t feel I deserve it. I have an amazing group of friends, and I don’t tell them that enough. In fact, I rarely ever tell them that. Would that make me happier?

 

I began to consider physical changes. We’ve all been told over and over again that we should love ourselves for who we are. But what if the person you currently are doesn’t feel like someone who deserves your love? It’s confusing, isn’t it. I asked myself would I be happier if I lost weight. Not for appearance’s sake, I knew that much. Not for my mum or family members who ask at least once a week if I’ve lost any weight, that just made me refuse to do it at all. But from a health point of view. I know exercise plays a large part in it all, but looking at the amount of food I had just consumed filled me with a lot of regret. It got me thinking. How can I change my habits? What can I do to improve my quality of life? A more recent study has shown that on average we take 66 days to form new habits. It’s a long time, but over the next few months I intend on breaking old habits and forming new ones. I often find it difficult to start these things while at home, so I couldn’t exactly start on January 1st the way I wanted to. But I’m hoping to keep you updated as time goes on.

I look in the mirror, and I don’t like what I see looking back. However I can change this. Physically, I can change, and mentally I can learn to love myself. By putting this out here for you all to read, I’m hoping to encourage myself to stick at it. So it may seem boring but I want to describe it here.

 

I want to start eating properly. I am going to work my days around cooking them, because I actually really enjoy cooking. I just don’t enjoy eating what I cook. So I’m going to create a meal plan and stick to it. Stop the snacks and fizzy drinks and set a proper food budget to stick to. Enough is enough. I say this every year but I mean it this year. I’m 21, it’s about time I started looking after my health properly.

 

At the same time, I want to find an exercise regime I enjoy. Watching Zoe’s progress for the last few months has really inspired me to start exercising properly. I love keeping up with how she’s doing, and she really is an inspiration to me. I have a holiday in March, and hopefully a summer holiday somewhere at some point, and I want to be able to look at myself before we go away and say ‘Katie, it’s time you buy some new clothes in a smaller size’.

 

I want a routine. Not to simply get through each day, but to actually properly live my life. Factoring in exercise, cooking, university stuff, socialising, and hopefully a job, I want to figure it all out. It’s when I’m bored and alone in the flat that I reach these moments of questioning where my life is going.

 

 

My first thoughts daily shouldn’t be questioning whether I need to get up or whether or not I’ll wear my jeans for the 5th day in a row, rather I want to wake up feeling energised and excited to dress properly for the day ahead. Second year university saw me ban myself from wearing tracksuit bottoms to lectures, and it actually made a bit of a difference! I continued that at the start of this year, and dressing like you’re doing something that day automatically makes you feel more productive.

 

I’m going to stop washing my hair every day. I know it’s bad for it, and trust me when I say I am working on it, however I probably need at least three weeks to correct my hair’s need to be washed daily. So if my friends don’t mind, there will be a week in which I don’t wash it, and then from then I will figure out a routine.

 

But that’s enough rambling to you for now. I think I’m going to create a page on here specifically for keeping up to date with how all this is going. But for now, it’s merely a plan. Let’s see if I can stick to it, shall we?

 

A rather tired and fed up Ktkinnes xx

Posted in Friday Favourites

Friday Favourites: Jordanne

Hello and welcome back to my Friday Favourites, where it’s a Friday so I’m gonna name another of my favourite bloggers that you all should definitely be following!

 

Today’s blogger is the amazing Jordanne from The Life of a Glasgow Girl and to be honest I don’t even know where to begin with this one! Probably best thing would be to talk a little bit about Jordanne:

Continue reading “Friday Favourites: Jordanne”

Posted in Lifestyle

Drowning in Thoughts

Okay so I didn’t talk about it at the time except for to a few people, but my week didn’t start off too well. Sunday was a busy day and I was in a great mood until something minor happened and then it escalated and basically it ruined my day. Warning, before you go any further – this post may be triggering to some people.

I was hurt. Badly emotionally hurt by people I considered my friends. It was all over something small and insignificant to start with and then ended up worse because of a few things that were said. I won’t name anyone, I won’t say what it was even about, but I will tell you this – I was so close to relapsing and self harming for the first time in years.

I never did the “normal” self harming, I felt that was silly as it was too noticeable. My way of hurting myself was to stand in the shower with the water as hot as possible and see how long it took to feel anything other than how I was feeling at the time. I used to think myself smart because I would then just wear full length tops and jumpers with sleeves long enough to pull over my now red hands, or a pair of heavy trousers that were too tight, just to feel the slight pain of the waistband any time I sat down. 

I never wanted to open this side of me up to my blog. In fact, the only two people I’ve told about this are two people I trust with everything. But the point in me telling you this is the fact that on Sunday night I felt the need to do this to myself again. Anything had to feel better than how I was feeling at that point, and I probably would’ve gone through with it if it hadn’t been for an incoming call on Skype. 
So I suppose the whole point in me writing this post is to show that no matter how crap I feel from one day to the next, I can still look myself in the mirror and know I have managed two and a half years without actually doing that again. There are days when I feel like it’s the only option, but instead of giving in to it I skip my shower until later when I’m feeling less low, even if that means waiting a few days. I’d rather be dirty and know that I haven’t relapsed than relapse and feel even worse about myself.

No matter how bad you feel at the time, there’s only one way to go when you’re at rock bottom. And when you’ve got the right support, you’ll find yourself floating towards the light above you soon enough. Hopefully if you’re ever feeling this low, you can go to friends or family, but I just wanted you to know that I’m also here for any of you at any time.

Ktkinnes xx

Posted in Lifestyle

Back to Porridge

Literally, I am back to making and eating porridge. Not exactly the most interesting first line of a post but just thought I would share that with you all.

 

Today classes start back in uni and for the first time in ages I am in from 9am until 5pm. Not looking forward to it at all, especially the way my sleeping pattern has been going! But, I will soldier on as I always do. With a new semester, and a new year too, comes a new routine to try and make this year’s exams go in my favour. As usual, I spent Sunday cleaning, tidying and planning. I always try to make a meal plan at the start of the week so I know what to buy without wasting too much money. To be honest, I over spent this week. Looking at my shopping I have no idea what I bought that lead to it costing so much! Although, the most expensive food item I bought was a small roast chicken that I cooked yesterday and have portioned up for the rest of the week. It just all adds up!

 

I’m not sure how well it will work, but I’m going to try and cook as much of my dinners and lunches in advance this semester. This way, all I’ll have to do is lift them out of the fridge or freezer and get on with it, instead of wasting time cooking! My new schedule has me in bed by 11pm each night (hopefully) and awake again at 7am to allow time to shower and have a relaxed start. And now that I’m getting up at the same time as Jason, I’ll have company for breakfast! It’s actually surprising how much that changes my day. With the change in my timetable, I now have 15 classes a week. Not many really! With two of those classes being labs, that means I am in university for 19 hours a week, leaving another 21 hours for independent study, and then socialising, blogging, sleeping, shopping, cooking and cleaning will be done in the remaining time. Wait, that doesn’t make sense… there’s a reason I keep messing up my maths!

24 hours in a day. Take 8 for sleep, roughly 2 for meal times in total, an average of 4 hours of classes a day… that gives us what, 10 hours left. Take out another 5 hours of the day for independent study… what on earth have I been doing the last few years to make me feel there’s no time in the day??

 

Anyway, the main point of this post was to introduce Week 2 of the 52 Lists Project that I first mentioned here. Nuala was my Secret Santa (or not so secret this year it seems) and she bought me this incredible journal! Each week, there’s a new topic to make a list based on, followed by a Take Action section.This week is: List your favourite Characters from books, movies etc. I’m actually quite excited to see who I can come up with!

In the Take Action box, we’re instructed to find a common personality trait between our favourite characters. We’re then asked to take note of the character trait we admire the most, and work towards it this week.

 

My mind is already swamped with some of my favourite characters and why I love them, so this should be an exciting one! Are any of you going to join me? Even if you don’t want to do the challenge, let me know some of your favourite characters!

 

I’ll be back on Wednesday with another new post for you all, so keep an eye out for that arriving in around 9am!

 

Have a great week everyone!

 

Ktkinnes xxx