Okay so firstly I want to say sorry this hasn’t gone up at its usual time of 9am, but I actually didn’t get writing this until after 11am… How was everyone’s weekend? Get up to anything exciting? Apologies in advance for any language in this post that may offend, I’m just taking the time to ramble and rant and think things through.
Normally I spend Saturdays doing uni work so Sunday is fully for blogging and housework but this week it didn’t quite work like that. Friday into Saturday I had so little sleep that I knew uni work would be pointless on Saturday. I did some of my housework, and attempted the maths homework due for Sunday night before going to a party – it was a good night but bed would’ve been better appreciated! Instead, I woke up on Sunday morning feeling like shit. Couldn’t tell you why, but before I even opened my eyes, I just knew it was going to be a bad day.
Within minutes, these feelings were proven right. There was stuff going on with the GRLPOWR account that made me feel even more crap, and reminded me of others times I’ve felt shit. Normally when this sort of thing happens I recognise it and can pull myself out of it pretty quickly but for some reason I just couldn’t ‘snap out of it’ yesterday. Things seemed to go from bad to worse once I realised I’d completely overslept and had so much I both wanted and needed to do yesterday and I began to get stressed. Trying to gain some perspective, I started writing my to do list, noting that I was actually wasting more time that could’ve been spent doing those important things. It was lunch time, so I went to make some soup in an attempt to have semi-healthy comfort food. Chicken and sweetcorn soup is my backup for when I need picking up, and normally it works perfectly, but yesterday I was so disappointed in it and it just added to everything. Yes, I ended up crying over how crap the day was just because my soup wasn’t right – we all have those days right?
I picked myself up, did some dishes, and decided that a hot chocolate would do the trick. For about 5 minutes, I felt okay. Not good, but definitely not as crap as I had been feeling. My motivation was slowly coming back and I sat down to finish that all important university work, when next thing I found myself sobbing for no apparent reason. I’d messaged Jason briefly about the stuff to do with the account so he knew I wasn’t great, and came in to check on me and talk about it if I wanted. I told him roughly what had happened but explained that that wasn’t why I was feeling shit and he suggested just taking myself away from Twitter for a while, even just until I got my head cleared a bit.
I was meant to be going to Pablo’s (hello again, yes you’ve been mentioned) for some help with physics and just a general catch up but the closer it came to time to go, the more I felt like just curling up in a ball and giving up on everything. I messaged him and tried to explain what my thoughts were doing and to ask to postpone, which he (thankfully) was perfectly okay with (or at least seemed to be) which only made me feel worse – there was someone trying to do something to help me and there I was throwing the help back in his face to do what? Sit in my bedroom crying, again? Of course, this led to more tears and just generally feeling lower and lower. He suggested watching a Christmas film and picking myself up a bit, but even that didn’t help – something was definitely wrong if even Christmas wasn’t helping!
By this stage, I’d been on and off crying for a solid 3 and a half hours, and just wanted to get something ticked off my list so I wouldn’t feel guilty when I went to bed that night. I get that sometimes and it’s just a downwards spiral that I know I need to avoid but you know when your brain tells you something and you know it’s wrong but it persuades you it’s right? Don’t know if I’m explaining that very well… Anyway, I started into some Physics, and had a phone call from Jade asking for help with some work and having her own problems. With my signal in the flat being crap, we tend to FaceTime but for a good half of the chat we weren’t looking at each other because we were both working anyway, and I just sat there crying (again, for what appeared to be no reason) while working. After crying, I got 5 minutes of feeling empty but the emptiness is better than the general sadness and crappiness (yes this is a word, shh) so I didn’t care.
Eventually, I said goodbye to Jade and went to see Jason. We managed a solid 10-15 minutes of talking before I just started crying and couldn’t stop. I finally told him that this is how my year had been last year – almost every other day I just lost all motivation and couldn’t feel anything other than that heavy sense of despair. Not sure that’s the right word but it’s the one word that keeps coming to mind when I try to vocalise exactly what it felt like so I’m going to run with it. It makes me want to lie in bed and never move again. It makes me want to cry until the tears don’t come anymore. It makes me feel worthless, useless, and a general disappointment. We talked a bit longer, then he had to go for his date so I went back to my room and continued work until time for the GRLPOWR chat. Again, twitter chats normally put me in a great mood, and nothing against Caroline who did a fantastic job hosting last night, but not last night. I just felt awful. By the end of the chat, I made a cup of my evening tea from Teagime (ask me later what’s in it because I honestly can’t remember), put on House on Netflix, and sat knitting until a reasonable bedtime. I collapsed into bed and finally had a full night’s sleep and woke up today feeling slightly better.
Now, I know probably none of you care, or this isn’t what you were coming for, but I just had to explain why this week I probably won’t be posting as frequently. I want to take some time to get back to that happy place I had been in even just a week ago. I want to get through the week without crashing, without feeling burnt out and like death.
I never intended on writing this post, I was going to come on and just explain that I would be busy over the next few days and hope you’d understand, but I’d be in and around Twitter or whatever. But instead you’ve had an insight into one of my down days. Actually, looking back at it today, I know I’ve had worse days and that that was actually a good bad day if that makes any sense. The one thing that keeps me going is knowing that in my 21 years and 1 month of being alive, I have survived 100% of these bad days, and I’m going to continue to keep going through them no matter what. No matter how bad the day is, it will get better. I mentioned it during the GRLPOWR chat on being a girl boss, but the main quote I remember on the likes of today is that even stars need darkness to shine.