So this is a last minute post and I’m not sure how I feel about sharing it yet as I’m still forming my thoughts but then I remembered that that was one of the reasons I started blogging – to talk through my thoughts and ideas and possibly (hopefully) receive feedback from you lovely people. All I’ll say is please forgive me for the lack of continuity as my brain bounces from one thought to the next.
In the next 48 hours, I have exams 3 and 4 of my 5 resists. I’ve done the revision, I’ve completed past papers and tutorial questions and all the stuff you’re meant to do to prepare for an exam. And then today I hit the wall. You know the wall, don’t you? That one that sits there and you physically cannot break through it to continue.
I woke up this morning asking myself why I was still trying. Yes, okay, today’s a bad day for a number of reasons that I can’t get into right now without crying and starting a pity party. You shouldn’t listen to your mind on a bad day, right? Except today isn’t the first I’ve felt like this.
Ever since last week’s disastrous Physics paper, I’ve been seriously thinking about just leaving university. Unguided learning just isn’t for me. I’ve admitted that to myself in the last few days. I lack the motivation to complete simple homeworks. I struggle to persuade myself to get out of bed regardless of how much sleep I’ve had. There’s a complete lack of routine in my life and therefore no structure. Now, I know I’m the one who can fix that but I don’t think university is right for me.
I’ve been proud of myself for being at university. My cousins either didn’t go or dropped out quickly and I was always proud of myself for even just making it to second year. But I didn’t feel like I wanted to be here for any reason other than it’s what was expected of me. Yes, I’ve always wanted to be a teacher. But I’m not sure now that I do. To be honest I don’t have a clue what I want to do with my life. I’m 4 weeks off my 21st birthday and I still feel like the 13 year old who’s floating along as if she hasn’t any responsibilities.
But I know tomorrow’s exam won’t go at all well. Even having gone to lectures and studied for ages last exam diet, I got a G2. To be honest, that’s better than I remembered. Could’ve sworn I got an H2 but there it is in black and white for you.
To be honest, I’m even considering not showing up to tomorrow’s exam… Or Friday’s for that matter. But I know that would be stupid. Do I email my adviser and ask to meet him in the morning and explain to him how I’ve spent the entire summer revising but I know it’s not going to have made any difference? Do I tell him that I just want out but can’t face telling my parents that I dropped out? Yes. The truth is I would rather be kicked out of university than tell my parents I chose to walk out. It’s not like they’re paying for me to be here or helping me in any way. Apart from paying my phone bill and feeding me when I’m home, I’ve been completely financially independent since I started university in 2014. Big wow I hear you guys say, that was using a student loan and a maintenance loan. Those need paid back the minute I start earning. But if I can get a full time job and earn roughly £500 a month, I’d be pretty much where I am now. That’s 75 hours a month so not even 20 hours a week at minimum wage. That’s reasonable, right?
To be honest, I don’t know why I’m asking these questions. You know as well as I do that I’ll go in tomorrow and Friday and sit those exams. I know I’ll fail them, you may have more faith in me but I’ve given up hope. Friday morning at 11:30 I will be beginning to look at full time jobs here in Glasgow. Who knows, maybe when I’m working I’ll be more involved in my blog. And maybe then I’ll be happier.
I don’t even know what I’ve said in this post, I’m just going to hit post and hope that you guys can give me some advice. If you don’t want to comment below, find me on Twitter (@kvburton657) or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.